Navigating Consensual Encounters in the Wild

Whether you are hooking up with a new partner or an old flame- a good camper always ensures that everyone involved feels safe, respected, and enjoys themselves. 

Step 1: Be Prepared

Before you pitch your tent, make sure everyone is on the same page by making a plan and communicating with your partner. Be specific about what you’re looking to do. Explain how far you’d like the hook-up adventure to go, and mention any special activities you have in mind. This gives your partner a chance to adjust plans and share their own preferences. 

Use the STARS acronym to make sure all the details are included:

  • Sexual Health/STI Status- last time you were tested and other relevant health concerns

  • Turn Ons- desires in intimacy and sex

  • Avoids- boundaries, versions, triggers

  • Relationship Intentions/Expectations- what does this hook up mean?

  • Safer Sex Etiquette- what protection will be used for which acts? 

Step 2: Gear Up

Just like you’d pack your camping gear in advance, gather all the essentials for your hookup. Have contraceptives, condoms, lube and any toys you might want to use ready before your partner arrives. 

Visit base camp at Student Health and Wellness to pick up free internal and external condoms, lube and dental dams. For more tips on safe sex practices, check out the Sexual Wellness page of our site. 

Step 3: Signalling 

In the wilderness, clear signals are crucial. When it comes to consent, look for enthusiastic agreement. Make sure that you and your partner feel comfortable throughout the hookup. If you notice your partner looking or sounding uncertain, take action and make sure they want to continue participating. Pay attention to your own needs and wants as well- remember the goal is for everyone to enjoy themselves.

Some might find it awkward to ask, but talking is a great way to build excitement and get consent.

Try asking:

  • I would like to do ... to/for/with you

  • How does that feel?

  • Do you like when I do this?

  • ____ is a turn off for me, what are your turn offs?

  • What would you like me to do?

  • It makes me so hot when you…me there. What makes you hot?

  • Do you want me to (kiss/touch…)?

  • Have you ever fantasized about...?

  • Can we try...?

If you have some agreed-upon plans that restrict verbal communication (oral sex for example), plan silent signals like a safe word, shaking the head, smacking the pillow, holding your hand up to stop, whatever.

Step 4: Respect the Trail

Just like when hiking, respecting the trail means honouring your partner’s boundaries and ensuring a safe and enjoyable experience for both of you. If your partner isn’t feeling it anymore, it’s time to adjust your course - maybe another time, or maybe not. If they don’t like a position, change it up - just as you would take a different path if the trail is blocked. If you are not interested in a particular act, move along. Remember, a respectful camper never passes a “no trespassing” sign. 

When you come across a boundary, respect it. Here’s how to graciously accept “no” from your partner:

  • Don’t take it personally: Just as the trail sometimes takes unexpected turns, it’s okay to have different preferences. Be kind and empathetic with your partner and yourself. 

  • Separate “Now” from “Never”: A “no” might just mean “not now” rather than “not ever”. Talk about your needs and desires to understand if it’s a temporary detour or a permanent closure. If it’s “not now”, keep communication open. If it’s “not ever”, consider if that’s a deal breaker or something you can adapt to. 

  • Appreciate Their Honesty: Your partner’s willingness to set boundaries shows trust. Listen to their needs, honour their requests and be gracious - just as you would appreciate clear trail markers. 

  • Explore Other Paths: Find activities that are comfortable and pleasurable for both of you. Sometimes, the most scenic routes are the ones less travelled. 

Being open and honest with each other makes it easier to meet each other’s needs. By honouring your partner’s boundaries you create a safe and positive environment for a successful and enjoyable hookup. 

Step 5: Stay Clearheaded

Alcohol and substance can cloud your judgment. If you are initiating sexual activity with someone, you are responsible for ensuring there is clear and unambiguous consent at all times. If you're not sure, getting mixed messages, or you haven't asked and received a clear yes, STOP and check in.

Clear communication is a key ingredient when it comes to intimacy, pleasure and safety, so consider these four things  when you and others are drinking alcohol and asking for consent: 

  • Do you know how someone communicates when they are sober? If not, you won’t know if they are too intoxicated to consent. If you are unsure, always assume the person might be, and stop what you are doing. Otherwise, you risk causing harm.
  • Your ability to pick up on consent cues decreases the more you drink alcohol. This means you might misread someone’s intentions, or worse, you might cause harm.
  • Consent is an ongoing conversation. You need consent for every aspect of your interactions with others - from asking them out, to where they want to go, to if you can kiss them or spend the night with them.
  • Anyone who is incapacitated – slurring, swaying, stumbling, not making sense, unable to hold their head up or passed out – is unable to consent. Period.

(From UVic Alcohol and Consent)

Step 6: Trust Your Compass

If something feels off, it’s crucial to trust your instincts. If someone is lingering too long, pushing your boundaries or an uninvited guest appears, it’s time to move. If you become uncomfortable for any reason (even after the hook-up is over), reach out to: 

  • In an emergency, call 9-1-1

    For more information about safe sex and healthy relationships, visit the Sexual Wellness page. For resources specifically for members of the LGBTQ+ community, check out the SHW Pride page.