Being an Ally

Your active and visible support can make a difference in a range of university environments. An ally for the sexual diversity community takes action. Allies work towards recognizing their own biases and privileges, offer support by working with individuals or groups that are teased, ridiculed, treated disrespectfully in and out of the classroom, bullied, and/or discriminated against based on their sexuality. 

Initial Steps

Make a commitment to:

  • Not assume that your friends, classmates, colleagues and professors are straight and cisgendered.

  • Speak up and address homophobic and transphobic innuendo, comments and jokes. Let your friends, colleagues and classmates know that you find those kinds of comments hurtful and offensive. 

  • Be visible in your support. Introduce yourself with your own pronouns and ask which pronouns a person use.

  • Be mindful of people’s safety. Don’t out someone.

  • Reflect upon your own assumptions about sexuality stereotypes, intersections of race, class and other intersecting identities of 2SLGBTQQIA+ students, staff and faculty. 

  • Treat people with dignity and respect regardless of their sexuality, sexual identities or attractions.

  • Use gender-inclusive terms, say ‘Hi everyone’ instead of ‘Hi ladies.’ 

  • Respectfully ask if you don't know what pronouns to use. 

  • Respect the diversity of 2SLGBTQQIA+ lives. These identities are part of other intersecting identities, for example, with their race, class, and/or religion.

Asking about Pronouns

Start by sharing your own pronouns when you introduce yourself (e.g. Hi my name is x and my pronouns are x/x/x). Doing so is the best way to encourage other people to share their pronouns, to help make them more comfortable to share their pronouns with you. You can follow that statement by asking how you should refer to them. 

Asking people for their pronouns should ideally happen in small group situations. If people don’t want to disclose their pronouns, respect their wishes and do not push for them to give a response. You do not have the right to someone’s pronouns if the person is not comfortable discussing them with you.

If you don't have the chance to introduce yourself, don't assume pronouns based on appearance. Avoid gendered language and if you must use a pronoun, opt for non-binary pronouns such as they/them. Listen to the pronoun other people use when referring to the person, someone who knows them well will probably use the correct pronoun. If you accidentally use the wrong pronoun, apologize quickly and sincerely, then move on. The bigger deal you make out of the situation, the more uncomfortable it is for everyone.

Resources like the They/Them Project can teach you how to talk about gender identities in a respectful way.

Prevent Misgendering

Stopping your own misgendering behaviours and encouraging others to do so is an easy and effective way to support the trans people in your life.

Here are a few things you can do to prevent misgendering and affirm a person’s identity:

Don’t make assumptions. You might think you know how someone identifies, but you can never know for certain unless you ask.

Always ask what words you should use! You can ask people specifically or ask people who know a given person. Or, you can simply get in the habit of asking everyone their pronouns and terms they use for themselves.

Use the right name and pronouns for the trans people in your life. You should do this all the time, not just when they’re around. This signals the proper way to refer to your trans friends to other people. It also helps you get accustomed to saying the right thing.

Avoid using gendered language to speak to or describe people unless you know it’s the language that a particular person prefers. Examples of gendered language include:

  • honourifics such as “sir” or “ma’am”

  • terms like “ladies,” “guys,” or “ladies and gentlemen” to refer to a group of people

  • typically gendered adjectives such as “handsome” and “beautiful”

Practice using these gender-neutral terms and forms of address instead. You can say things like “my friend” instead of “sir” or “ma’am,” and refer to groups of people as “folks,” “y’all,” or “guests.”

Don’t default to gender-neutral language if you know how a person wishes to be addressed. It can seem like using the singular “they” to describe everyone is a safe bet, and sometimes that’s actually a good way to navigate a situation where you’re uncertain how a person identifies. But, it’s important to respect the wishes of people who have specific gendered language that they want you to use.

Avoid using passive language. Instead of saying: “X identifies as a woman” or “Y prefers he/him/his pronouns,” say things like “X is a woman” or “Y’s pronouns are he/him/his.”

Apologize and correct At the end of the day, know that it’s fine to make a mistake here or there so long as you don’t make a habit of it. If you do make a mistake, just apologize and move on.

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